Friday, October 28, 2005

Gods, Morons, and Europeans!

Burning Bush!

Now before I start, I must state that 'The Ape' never intended to be a political blog, nor a George 'Dubya' basher for that matter. There's too many of those as it is. That said, something's been rumblin' my jungle of late and, as you'll see, the subject matter is entirely relevant.

I refer to the shocking revelation that God told George W. Bush to invade Iraq. Actually, this makes a certain sense to me, seeing as the evidence was weak at best, falsified at worst, the UN was never behind the war... oops, sorry, I mean 'attack' (wars have two sides). Yes, the justification just wasn't there. However, when the Big Beardy Dude speaks to you directly... well that's a different kettle of fish and loaves.

"I'm driven with a mission from God", explains George. "God would tell me, George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan. And I did. And then God would tell me, George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq. And I did."

Hmm. Now it can't just be me who thinks this eerily reminiscent of every other crazy melon-farmer who's ever gone on a killing spree. What about the killer Swedish nanny who reckoned God instructed her via text messages? Or the US student whose defence was that God told him to kill through the TV (though this does happen to me when watching 'Property Ladder')? With this in mind, what George is really saying is, "God told me to kill all those foreigners and steal their oil!" Holy shoot (or something along those lines).

And just how long before the other revelations come out? "George, go and invade Iran. And maybe North Korea, while you're on. And George... burn things! Burn lots of things! Yee-haw! See the pretty fire, George! See it rage! Mwuhahahaha!"

Feta-compli?

Slightly off-topic, I hasten to add, but did you read about the EU's decision this week to stop anyone outside Greece calling their cheese 'Feta'? This follows in the hoof-prints of other protective food mandates such as Parma ham, Jersey Royals, and Brazil nuts (which, as anyone knows, are simply called "nuts" by Brazilians).

Now I love my cheese. Can't get enough. As 'Bear in the Big Blue House' once said, "Life seems so much better, when you smell the feta!" Wise words, indeed. Actually I did a bit of research into this and was surprised to discover how long feta's been around. Homer actually mentions it in his 'Odyssey', which goes some way to explain the cheesy stench you get watching 'Troy'.

But what of the impact? Well my first thought was, "My God, what will become of the Forth Estuary Transport Authority (FETA)?" Having calmed down with a bourbon biscuit (do they come from Kentucky?), my concerns turned to Judy Bell, the woman behind 'Yorkshire Feta'. She now faces ruin if she doesn't re-brand quickly. You could say it's the end for Judy. Although, hang on... I'm no marketing guru but surely there's an opportunity to 're-frame' this into a positive. Anyone for "Bell's End Cheese"? I'd certainly buy a load. "The cheese on everyone's lips!"

And still on the subject, did you know that Denmark is the largest producer of Feta behind Greece? The Danish Dairy Board are beside themselves with worry. Their head man, Hans Bender, is looking for inspiration. Ahem... well, you can bet your arse I sent Hans an email or two with some fantastic naming suggestions. In fact, why don't you do the same.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

God-botherer makes 'tit' of himself!

Sorry for the pun, and indeed colourful vernacular, but there's been an interesting development in the crazy world of Intelligent Design. For those unfamiliar with ID, it's basically a bunch of Christian fundamentalists, unhappy with evolution, trying to wrap their fairy stories in pseudo-scientific swaddling. Got that? Cushty.

Well, the head creationist... oops, sorry, I mean 'Intelligent Design Scientist', Michael Behe, has amended his description of ID. The original text, from the dubious tome, 'Of Pandas and People', goes like this:

"Intelligent design means that various forms of life began abruptly through an intelligent agency, with their distinctive features already intact - fish with fins and scales, birds with feathers, beaks and wings, etc."

While squirming in the dock for 3 days last week in Dover Pennsylvania, he said the description had now evolved (oh, the irony!) to the following:

"Sudden appearance means that various forms of life began abruptly through an intelligent agency, with their distinctive features already intact - fish with fins and scales, birds with feathers, beaks, wings, and mammals with fur and mammary glands, etc."

You'll spot a couple of differences here, but the main one for me has to be the perplexing, if not unwelcome, inclusion of 'mammary glands'. Excuse me? Are the 'bashers' trying to 'sex-up' their flacid theory using that tried-and-tested 'Carry On' stalwart... the comely bosom? As Kenneth Williams once told Hattie Jacques, "Ooh matron, there's a lot more meat on an older bird, probably because they descended from large, bipedal therapods!"

Anyhoo, the real shock came later when the attorney asked Behe whether the human body contained any examples of the 'beautiful structures' which ID proponents like to cite. Behe's answer... "I'm thinking of examples". Dude, you've just added breasts to your press release and you can't think of any beautiful structures?! Christ on a plate! You could almost hear the Pope himself screaming from the Vatican, "Boobies, man! Boobies! Just say it, you moron!" And to prove the Pontiff's point, click here for a lovely pair.