Sunday, November 20, 2005

Sex, Lies and Bagpipes!

We've lost intelligence. Repeat, we have no intelligence!

Well… it’s been a funny old couple of weeks, hasn’t it? Let’s look at the ongoing ‘science vs. religion’ saga, for starters. Pennsylvania recently succeeded in ousting the idiots (or should that read ‘Republicans’?) who wanted Intelligent Design (ID) taught in schools, while at almost the exact same moment in time, the Kansas ‘Board of Obfuscation’ voted to bring ID back again. As Kang and Kodos, space aliens from ‘The Simpsons’, so aptly put it, “Holy flerking schnit!”

And another thing, if there is an ‘intelligent designer’ then they're clearly endowed with a towering sense of irony (i.e. not American). Why else would they twist fate so deviously to coincide this debate with the opening of the American Museum of Natural History’s Darwin exhibition last weekend? Oh how I love our sneaky, prankster Lord!

Spectacles, testicles, wallop and snatch!

Now this next bit is a few furlongs off the radar, I admit, but did you read about the Japanese geezer who had a fetish for spectacles? Not his own, mind you, but other people’s. He would ask them nicely, then punch them in the face, pinch their specs, nick off home and, although not strictly worded in the article, lock himself in a cupboard and furiously whack his bonobo (which explains the eyesight deficiency).

Now, in an extraordinary feat of tenuous linkage, you have to say there’s an intelligent designer at work here. A bloke with an eye-wear fetish... in Japan? I mean, come on. It must be like being an arsonist in Paris right now. Or that guy who’s just been crowned ‘Mr. Gay Universe’ who had to beat off (ahem) 12 other contestants. Stiff competition, indeed!


And last, but definitely least… remember the endless parade of useless tack touted by the likes of Ronco and, more recently, the Innovations Catalogue? Well it comes as a joyous relief (bit like the ‘Mr. Gay Universe’ runners-up) to see that Haversack have taken up the modern-day mantle as purveyors of ‘quality indoor and outdoor leisure products'. Which is just as well, seeing as I couldn’t lay my paws on a set of miniature bagpipes for neither love nor money. And as for that romantic double umbrella... well I’d almost gibbon up!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Of Sound Mind and Body!

Choosing My Religion!

If you’re a chimp like me, you’ll appreciate that science isn’t the answer to everything. It never claimed to be. Certainly, it’s the greatest method yet discovered for plucking the bananas of truth from the jungle of lies, delusion, superstition and prejudice. That’s a gibbon.

But what of beauty, art, ethics and love? What of the liberation of oneself from the animalistic and materialistic worlds? What of spirituality?

Now at this point you may realise I’m not talking about Christianity here. As far as I can see, there’s nothing liberating or aspirational about a bunch of miserable, repressed humans, stoically regurgitating words they don’t understand, in a vast, cold building. Oh, no. And is it me, or did someone swap all the words round in those ancient hymns?

“Begat thee o’er Him rejoice, thou dost proud stand Him lie.”

What the flock’s that about? I’m also not talking about your so-called ‘New Age’ movements, which ironically are all based on a load of very old hippy toss-buggery.

No, no… I’m talking of the spirituality envisioned by Einstein. The natural religion which denies a personal, humanlike God, dismisses the accuracy of sacred texts, and poo-poos the power of prayer as mere wishful thinking (did you know us apes like flinging poo?). There’s no soul, and no immortality. Instead you get a spirituality keyed to nature itself. The ultimate religion, if you like, connecting the world’s populace by advanced reasoning and logic, accepting only that which is scientifically explainable, resulting in a unity of belief that eliminates all differences and conflicts, allowing peaceful coexistence for all.

Yeah, yeah, it’s a tad idealistic and woolly at best, but if you want something a bit more orangu-tangible, then you could do a lot worse than Buddhism. A scientifically-minded review of the Dalai Lama’s latest book shows us that His Holiness sees Buddhism sitting squarely alongside science, both striving for an understanding of nature based on the sharing of knowledge and transcending of boundaries. Clearly, me being a primate and all, I’m hardly going to argue with a bloke named after a large, woolly South-American camelid!

Who’s For Dinner?

I intended to make only one entry today, the one above on science and spirituality, but there’s something I’ve just got to get off my hairy chest. And that thing is Hufu. For the uninitiated, ‘Hufu’ is a food product described by its inventor as “The healthy human flesh alternative”.

Yes, you heard right. ‘Hufu’, as in ‘human tofu’, has been designed to resemble, as humanly possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. Mmm, scrumptious! Its niche market (surely it is niche?) are those hungry for the experience of cannibalism, yet deterred by those pesky legal and logistical impediments that tend to get in the way. And get this, it’s also a great product for cannibals who want to quit. Brilliant! Maybe they’ll bring out gum and patches?

Lastly, in what can only be described as inspired marketing nous, you can also buy the Chuck Heston classic Soylent Green from the site too. Tasty!