Sunday, November 20, 2005

Sex, Lies and Bagpipes!

We've lost intelligence. Repeat, we have no intelligence!

Well… it’s been a funny old couple of weeks, hasn’t it? Let’s look at the ongoing ‘science vs. religion’ saga, for starters. Pennsylvania recently succeeded in ousting the idiots (or should that read ‘Republicans’?) who wanted Intelligent Design (ID) taught in schools, while at almost the exact same moment in time, the Kansas ‘Board of Obfuscation’ voted to bring ID back again. As Kang and Kodos, space aliens from ‘The Simpsons’, so aptly put it, “Holy flerking schnit!”

And another thing, if there is an ‘intelligent designer’ then they're clearly endowed with a towering sense of irony (i.e. not American). Why else would they twist fate so deviously to coincide this debate with the opening of the American Museum of Natural History’s Darwin exhibition last weekend? Oh how I love our sneaky, prankster Lord!

Spectacles, testicles, wallop and snatch!

Now this next bit is a few furlongs off the radar, I admit, but did you read about the Japanese geezer who had a fetish for spectacles? Not his own, mind you, but other people’s. He would ask them nicely, then punch them in the face, pinch their specs, nick off home and, although not strictly worded in the article, lock himself in a cupboard and furiously whack his bonobo (which explains the eyesight deficiency).

Now, in an extraordinary feat of tenuous linkage, you have to say there’s an intelligent designer at work here. A bloke with an eye-wear fetish... in Japan? I mean, come on. It must be like being an arsonist in Paris right now. Or that guy who’s just been crowned ‘Mr. Gay Universe’ who had to beat off (ahem) 12 other contestants. Stiff competition, indeed!


And last, but definitely least… remember the endless parade of useless tack touted by the likes of Ronco and, more recently, the Innovations Catalogue? Well it comes as a joyous relief (bit like the ‘Mr. Gay Universe’ runners-up) to see that Haversack have taken up the modern-day mantle as purveyors of ‘quality indoor and outdoor leisure products'. Which is just as well, seeing as I couldn’t lay my paws on a set of miniature bagpipes for neither love nor money. And as for that romantic double umbrella... well I’d almost gibbon up!


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